


In between worlds

by xlXRedOneXlx



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben solo dealing with his deamons, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rey is here to, Slow Burn Reylo, The Darkside, The Force, Works and chapters in rivision, although she is off training with luke, ben solo centric, ben solo returns, chapters being edited, reylo fic, the light side - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 12:02:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10696617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xlXRedOneXlx/pseuds/xlXRedOneXlx
Summary: Some might say home is where the heart lies. But for Ben, it was always further from the truth. Because he always felt as if a home could never truly be found, It was always on the move for him, one step ahead of him, and never within reach of outstretched fingers.





	In between worlds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding a place to call home, It was a mystery to Ben.
> 
> To find a place to call his own...a place he could be accepted and understood: it was like trying to chase the moving clouds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Chapter are currently in revision!

**Chapter 1 In between worlds**

~~Four months, three weeks, two days.~~

 

When Ben was younger he would often find himself alone.

The other children would stray from him, it was almost as if he were a ghost wondering amongst the living.

He was merely a waste of space... or that's what he had felt like as a child.

  
He knew better now. That it was never the fault of the other children. They were only being safe, by staying away from the Kid who didn't seem to fit in. Ben couldn't blame them.

They were only being safe, by staying away from the Kid who didn't seem to fit in. Ben couldn't blame them.

 

   
He had been so unstable, his rage and grief always on the verge of bursting like a star coming to its end. It would seep through his core like a thick, burning, poison.

It would seep through his core like a thick, burning, poison. It would leave traces of destruction in its path.

Like the angry red slashes, he had left on the finalizers command controlls.

HIs range had been a warning sign, bright and flashing to its onlookers.

 

After almost a decade of being in the dark.

  
He now realized just how helpful his uncle's teaching could have been.How important and vital meditation was to in calming the mind and soul.

How important and vital meditation was in calming the mind and soul.  
Still, there was something that he couldn't have controlled. That not even his uncle could have controlled.

That not even his uncle could have controlled.

  
Snoke.

  
If only snoke had been a figment of his imagination, and not a dark shadow constantly looming, watching his every move. A hand placed firmly on his shoulder, a dark string winding around his neck if he were to run to the light. He had been a victim of the puppet master.

A hand placed firmly on his shoulder, a dark string winding around his neck if he were to run to the light.

He had been a victim of the puppet master.

  
Ben realizes with a deep aching sorrow, that things could have turned out differently.

  
What could have been? what could have changed? Who would he be as a person?

  
These were the endless questions that always stormed his mind. His shadows as a child resurfaced from the depths of his unconscious mind- toying and teasing him. It happened mainly during the late hours of the night when he had nothing to do but to stare up at the ceiling of his bedroom.

His shadows as a child resurfaced from the depths of his unconscious mind- toying and teasing him. It happened mainly during the late hours of the night when he had nothing to do but to stare up at the ceiling of his bedroom.

It happened mainly during the late hours of the night when he had nothing to do but to stare up at the ceiling of his bedroom.  
but thous nights... he could control himself. Other nights, were not so merciful.

  
He would awaken startled and disoriented. A cold sweat running down his back and face, dark curls sticking to his forehead. He would have small panic attacks that left him breathless, the beating of his chest harsh and painful. He would use one of his fists and beat on his chest to gain control of himself. It left him gasping for air as he attempted to control his crazed thoughts, and bring himself back into his body.

 small panic attacks Leaviing him breathless, the beating of his chest harsh and painful.

He would use one of his fists and beat on his chest to gain control of himself. It left him gasping for air as he attempted to control his crazed thoughts, and bring himself back into his body.

It left him gasping for air as he attempted to control his crazed thoughts, and bring himself back into his body.

  
\------------------------------------------------------

  
Ben was left sitting in the cold, his back slouched over while his head hung in a silent defeat. He tried to keep his volume low, breathing in heavy quick gasps of air while his ears rung painfully. The thumping in his chest still heavy and erratic.

  
He grit his teeth in frustration, Eyes shut tightly as he fought off the remanence of dark energy slamming against his defenses; threatening to invade his head. It hissed and scratched.Like plumes of dark fog slamming against a glass surface.

  
He could see it in his mind's eye. A faceless, body of smoke taunting him, the darkness humming in delight while flashes and images, stuck within time, slammed into him.  
He pushed back with the light inside of him, another loud hiss escaping from the dark cloud. He slammed the opened connection shut swiftly, and with a heavy grunt, his brows scrunting and lips parting in a silent scream. Pain exploded behind his eyelids and around his skull.

  
He plopped back onto his bed then. A heavy pain rising from the inside of his chest before disappearing completely. A hack left his lips. Lungs burning as he fought to keep silent.

  
He could feel it sink in now. The nights of tossing and turning. His feet pushing him to pace from one side of his quarters to the other. it was deep in his bones. In his muscle. There was a heaviness like he was made of led and submerged under water.

  
More then before, The darkside had a hold over him. It drained every ounce of energy he had stored until he was close to exhaustion.  
It seemed evermore, that the light was his only way to fight back.

  
His lifeline. If only to keep him from becoming consumed by the dark completely.It was like a beacon in the darkness. It allowed him to float along the water's surface, his airways clear from drowning. Yet he could not avoid the oncoming waves. Could not fight back as he continued to be pulled under the current time and time again. His ears taking in the storm that surrounded him always.

  
Like his Uncle luke Had taught him.

  
Ben had called out to the light like so many nights before. Like a silent plea that could only be heard by the shadows of the past. He called and grabbed at what he could catch, nimble fingers latching at what he could find to keep from being pulled back into the depths of darkness.

  
He could feel it reach out back to him. A bright white light exploding around him in waves. It often linked with his heartbeat, lulling him into a state of complete peace. Ben let it wrap around him like a warm blanket.He let it consume him until his thought were silent.  
until he was safe.

  
\------------------------------------------

  
When he opened his eyes again, he blinked momentarily. He was met by the dark ceiling of his quarters.The shadows around the corner of his vision slowly residing back.  
He could only imagine how he must have looked at that time and moment. Eyes dulled and lips parting to takin in small wisps of air. Face Red and overhead from the internal battle taken place only moments before.

  
The scars and raised skin covering his pale flesh, displaying that he was not a stranger to pain. He was not a stranger to battle, even when it was in a place meant for rest.

 

He let his mind wander before he pushed himself up with his forearms. Remnants of pain lingering behind his eyes as he took in deep controlled breaths. He blinked his eye tiredly, eyebrows creasing as he grimaced suddenly.

  
Around him, the force was heavy and overpowering. It was dancing tonight, full of light and ... what was it?Bliss?

  
A muscle in his jaw clenched the feeling of bitterness rising, before guilt set in.

 

Ben flinched, He quickly pushed it down, head shaking and thoughts becoming silent.

He quickly pushed it down, head shaking and thoughts becoming silent.

  
Ben swallowed, guilt and anger taking over, a heaviness and constriction at the center of his chest. He had no reason to be angry. He had no reason to be jealous of their happiness. Ithappinessod happienss. They were sussessful in

He had no reason to be angry. He had no reason to be jealous of their happiness. It was a good happiness. They were

They were successful in their most recent assault on the first order.  
They were that much closer to ridding the galaxy of the First Order.

  
Yet, Ben for the most of it. He was unfeeling. Wanted to feel little to none. His tears would only bring him pitty. His anger would get him thrown into a cell. And Happiness was not a friend of his. Not since he was a young child.

His tears would only bring him pitty. His anger would get him thrown into a cell. And Happiness was not a friend of his. Not since he was a young child.

He wanted no one's pitty.

Ben gave his head another shake, he palmed at his eyes with a grunt before he blinked once more. Realizing that he would not get sleep for some time, He stood from the bed, his eyes looking at the flashing numbers projected from a hollow pad. He grimaced before rubbing at his face.

  
The force within him jumping again, his eyes moving tot he window. It was calling to him, the force. He made his way over to the window, fingers moving swiftly to push a button and the window opening with a swish. He let the cool air hit his bare skin momentarily, eyes taking int he night and its countless stars.

  
Grimacing one again, he pulled himself out of the windows and onto the roofing of his family bunker, his body keeping to the shadows, as he scouted for the night's patrolmen. He Continued down a narrow ledge, the force pulsing within him as he moved farther and farther away from his bedroom window.  
He continued to move quietly until he came to a half wall. He pulled himself up, hands steady and keeping him from tumbling back.He then seated himself, eyes landing on the building only a few feet from him. It was the lunch hall, and there was a Celebration being held.

  
Ben took in the happy shouts of celebration, the multi-colored lanterns lining the outside and on either side of the mess halls front doors. Inside he could feel hundreders of life force pulsing, beating like a steady heart.It was the reason as to why he had chosen to stray from the place. He could feel everything. Thier joy, their pride towards the resistance victory.

====================================

Earlier, his mother had encouraged him to join the event. Told him he should try and meet some new faces, get to know the people he was now fighting alongside with. He continued to refuse the offer until she said no more, a sad smile gracing her lips before she departed for a meeting on another base only a few star systems away.She would be gone for at least a week.

  
He exhaled heavily. HIs nostrils flaring as he took in long gulps of air.

  
If he were, to be honest with himself. It was safer if he just kept to himself.Ben was aware of the

Ben was aware of the distasteful look and whispers he would often catch. In their eyes, he was still an enemy.  
He didn't need their friendship. He didn't need their acceptance. 

  
He was aware of his past actions. It was something he would have to bare.  
One day he would pass onto the force, and it would mean nothing.

  
His eyes shifted once again, his vision being filled by tiny dots surrounded by darkness.He connected the invisible lines, a feeling of nostalgia washing over him.He had done this when he was much younger and but a boy.He would often do this with his parents when they were around.

Wondering him himself, hut how many of them would he visit in his lifetime.

  
He stilled suddenly, the feeling of energy traveling up his spine. his eyes moved back tot he crowed, his eyes searching for something.  
Then he locked eyes with her.The scavenger girl.

  
His breath became silent, eyebrows raising any eye blinking. He waited for her to do something, to make that annoyed face she did whenever he was around. It was an expression of distaste and caution.

  
When she did nothing, Ben frowned. Could she really not feel him? was she unaware of who she was staring at in the darkness.

Could she really not sense him? was she unaware of who she was staring at in the darkness?

From the corner of his eyes, he noticed them.

  
Two figures approached her then, his eyes snapping to them instantly. His lips set into a straight line, his jaw flexing.

He watched them for a moment, a feeling stirring in his gut.

  
When she was suddenly pulled into a tight hug, he let his eyes wander elsewhere, an exhale leaving him while his eyes returned to the stars.

He realized then, a feeling he detested once was building in his gut and chest.The feeling of his chest closing up and becoming tight.

  
It was an intimate scene between friends. It was something that he had no right to indulge in.

  
He felt confusion threw the force one again...it was at her end. An air of sadness,

An air of sadness and loneliness surrounded him then. His eyes snapped back down to her. She was staring in his

She was staring in his direction once again. A hand now placed upon her chest.The other being clenched into a tight ball at her side.

Still, he could only frown.  
She was an odd one, that was for sure.

  
He gave his head a shake before he stood, eyes glancing back one last time before he creps back into his room. He sat on his ben for some time, eyes staring at his closet. Then he was up again and slipping on dark garb.

He sat on his ben for some time, eyes staring at his closet. Then he was up again and slipping on dark garb.

  
He quietly made his way out of his quarters and moved through the bunker in silence.

He was careful to not disturb the sleeping Wookie only doors down from his own room.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give you an estimate. This story, if I have the patience to finish it, could be about 15-20 chapters.  
> I know Ben seems out of sorts, but I guess that would be the point. He's just defected from the first order, it'll take him some time to begin "feeling" again.He doesn't know how to feel at this point in the story.
> 
> Also! I have no beta! so comments and suggestions for improvements are welcome!  
> I will edit and improve on the story to the best of my ability.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
